The Nice Guy

· Leave a comment ·

I think, it is time for the nice guy. Women usually go for the bad ones. Tell me about it, I was no different. But at some point you realise, you can’t keep doing this.

I am sitting here on my freshly arrived new sofa, listening to B.B. King and believe, no hope, that I am done with repeating my mistakes.

The nice guys, the ones women don’t want, but who are actually the right ones, that’s what I want.

And if that nice guy doesn’t find me first, I might even take matters into my own shy hands.

It’s not that I particularly feel that I need a man again in my life, because frankly, I am scared to end up with someone again, that tries to (in my opinion) rob me of my freedom. But on the other hand, maybe a truly nice guy won’t try to clip my wings?

Until the next time…

Today was a good day

· Leave a comment ·

For the first time in over a year, I was driving through the hills, Bobby Womack playing in my CD player, and I thought, my life is truly good now.

The last year was pretty tough, with lots of tears, stress, sport injury, nearly loosing my job and a trip to A&E with heart problems.

This year I moved house with my children for a fresh start and I couldn’t be happier. My sleep is improving, my eating habits are improving, I can concentrate on work much better and I just enjoy myself.

Now that also the sun is coming out and temperatures are getting warmer, I am just smiling. And I don’t mean a smile serial killer give you, no, I am just smiling to myself.

Of course I didn’t think I would be single in my 40s, but it could be worse. I don’t even get upset, when I see couples here with their children or when friends tell me about dates or what they do with their husbands. Did I think, I would find someone and maybe even have another baby and get my happily ever after? Sure did. But sometimes fate has other plans and that is ok.

I thought about this, this morning while looking down from the top of Craig Varr and thought how fortunate I am to live here and to be healthy and to be able to provide for my children.

Whatever life throws at me, at some point, I rise up and start over again.

Life is good.

Until the next time.

Should your partner be your best friend?

· Leave a comment ·

While sitting in my living room, watching mindless Netflix tv, a thought came to my mind:

Did my relationships not work out, because my partners were not my best friends? Everyone I ever crossed path with who were in either a long term relationship or were married said, that they see their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend as their best friend. This really surprised me, as I would have never seen any of my past men as my best friends. Even my ex-husband always said, that I was his best friend.

With a best friend, you discuss everything. I never felt that I could do this with my partner. This might be a reason, why in the end, it didn’t work out.

I start to believe, that I should really overthink my hunting strategy. But how do you restrict yourself from jumping someone, you feel attracted to??? It’s not, that I end up in bed with someone the second we meet, but looking back, I should have waited longer than I did. Heck, I even once put on some old knickers. You know, the kind, were the elastic bits are hanging out and the colour is faded, just to make sure, it will not get to a romp, but noooo- in the end I didn’t care. I guess we women are not that much different to men when we get horny.

Maybe this time, in addition to old knickers, I should add not shaving my legs and turning my lady bits into Chubacca in order to take it slow and really get to know a men for once.

Well, that’s a plan, I guess. I will let you know, if it works.

Until the next time…

Do dreams have a meaning…

· Leave a comment ·

…or are they just that- a dream which will be forgotten very soon?

I have been chatting with someone online for a while now and it is always very nice and never dull. It’s innocent and sweet and light. Not once was anything sexual mentioned or asked for marriage or money.

I only know from hear say, what he looks like. I do know what his voice sounds like as he send me a voice message and it sounded smooth and soft and kind.

This morning I woke up remembering, he was in my dream. He came to visit me and we did the tourist thing in Edinburgh. We were talking all day, having snacks and just enjoyed the sun. It was a windy day which is normal for Edinburgh being so close to the coast. In the evening we checked in to our separate rooms. After I showered I went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep at all. I texted him, that I couldn’t sleep and he replied, that he couldn’t sleep either. A minute later, he knocked on my hotel room door. And just like an old couple, we went to bed facing each other, talking even more, until we fell asleep. At some point, I heard him getting up and I was calling his name and he said, he is just going to the bathroom. When he came back to bed, I wrapped his arm around me, so he could spoon me. And for the first time in a long time, I felt all fuzzy and protected and safe. The next thing I remember is, someone is knocking on the door. He opens the door and get shot in the chest. The fuzzy feeling was gone and replaced my panic and the feeling of loosing something special.

And the weirdest thing when I woke up was, that I had Prince’s song “The Word” in my head. The chorus get up do something…

I don’t believe in dreams having a bigger meaning, but maybe my subconscious wants to tell me something here? This thought followed me all day from my morning run until now and I just had to write this down.

I am a bit lost for words and don’t know, what to make of it. To be honest, it annoys me a bit, that I keep thinking about that dream. And I am angry, that my fuzzy feeling was replaced by panic.

I might just go back to the nice bits and day dream a bit.

Until the next time…

When stupidity is so high, that you can only blink…

· Leave a comment ·

Now my dear ladies and gentlemen, please mull this over:

I received an email the other day. The client says the following:

I would like to book a night train (11pm) from Cologne to Paris on 13.05.2024. When I take the night train, will I arrive on 13.05.2024 or 14.05.2024?

Those are the moments, where I just stare at my laptop- re-reading the email to make sure, if I understood this correctly.

Then the questions start: How old is this person? Was the person drunk at the time, the email was send? Or is it a just a case of “I’m not the brightest candle on the cake”?

Until the next time…

The person, that loves you the most…

· Leave a comment ·

… can hurt was the most.

I have seen this quote yesterday on Facebook and I was mulling this over for quite some time. I was thinking about the people from my past. Friends, lovers, family. I was thinking about the drama and the break-ups and family feuds.

I thought about, how I fell out with my complete family 4 years ago. How it made me feel, that I don’t ever have contact with them ever again. I thought about how it made me feel as a little child, when my mother would hit me. I thought about how it made me feel, when my parents both said, I would not make it in the world. I thought about, how I was crying one year on Hogmanay, when a boyfriend broke up with me. . .

However, when my best friend said, he can’t be friends with me anymore, I burst in tears there and then. 15 years later, I still miss him terribly.

In my case it wasn’t a lover who broke my heart- it was the man, who was always by my side through everything. Nothing compares to this feeling, but as always, this is life.

I don’t know where he is, but hope he found true happiness.

Until the next time…

Does real (online) love exist???

· Leave a comment ·

I am sitting here on the floor in my living room (still waiting for my new sofa to arrive), listening to jazz on my internet radio and contemplating, if love really exists?

I mean real all consuming love and want, where you can’t think about anyone but the person of your desire. The love that feels, as if your body is on fire and all you want to do, is quench the thirst by kissing and touching and rip each others clothes off. But is this love, or just desire?

And how do I know whether a crush develops into something more than that? It usually starts with the first few seconds of passing someone or talking to someone. Are the eyes kind? Are the lips kissable? Are the hands nice and clean as well as the teeth? How does he smell? Does his voice have a nice melody when he talks?

I have recently moved to a remote area in the highlands and am newly single. My entire life, I pretty much fell from one longterm relationship to the next. I was never actively looking for someone, it was more that men would just find me. To me, falling in love, or what I thought love was, came easy and with full force. I am an impulsive person and go from 0 to 100 and I am absolutely 100% in. As fast as I fall in love, I can fall out of love. Once I get to the stage, there is the little voice in my head, that wonders: Does it still make sense? Is this it? Isn’t there more? Once it is over, I don’t dwell on it for long. I am like a butterfly who just forgets about the last flower and flies on.

Now that I live in a place, that is very quiet, this is the perfect opportunity to finally, for the first time ever, to be on my own, or so I thought.

Because guess what? Even here, in the middle of nowhere, opportunities arise. Here is a delivery driver who always gives me the biggest smile, when handing me my orders- even though, he could put them through the mail box, he knocks on my door and when he leaves, he always turns around one more time to look at me.

When I walk to the village store, it is the same: Big smiles from the male population and yes, I checked- no ring on the left finger (not that I get lynched by their other halves, no we don’t want that).

Which brings me to social media: Twice I met, what I thought would be my happily after, online. Twice it failed. Twice I wasn’t looking for someone and again it just so happened. There are people out there, who have met online and live a blissfully happily life together. Was this meant to be? Why did it work for them and not for me? How many did they have to meet online and date, before they found each other?

I am currently chatting with someone, who seems very nice, cute and handsome. Of course he isn’t from Scotland, which makes it a bit more difficult to say, “hey, why don’t we meet up somewhere?” I mentioned somewhat between the lines, that he should come over to meet me. He of course said, I could do the same.

So, in my head, I wonder: Why do I have to run after a guy? If a guy was really interested in a woman, wouldn’t he put some effort in? So, if I am not worth it, surely I shouldn’t invest in something, that has no future?

On the other hand, maybe it’s not only the women, who want to get chased by men? Men surely want to feel the same as we females do.

I think the reason I don’t want to chase after someone is, that in my last relationship I felt, that I invested a lot, complied to so many things I didn’t really feel comfortable with without never asking anything important or demanding something in return. Yes, of course I would voice what I want, but I would have never said “if you don’t do that, then… or ,you will do this…” or even give ultimatums.

The last year of my previous relationship I cried so many times and every time I wondered, how can you be so ok with making me feel this way? And the apologies in the end meant nothing, as he would just make me cry again.

I guess because of that experience, I am even more picky with whom I associate with and if someone is really interested in me, he needs to show me and give his all and then some. Why? Because I deserve the world! Everyone who has honest intentions, deserves the world.

And if someone isn’t willing to do this, if someone is not willing to jump off a cliff for you and if someone doesn’t give you the freedom you need to breath and grow and be happy, it’s not your person. I will no longer invest nor waste my energy in someone, who (doesn’t want to be) isn’t my person.

Yes, I could just have my fun here and there. But that is not my style. Never was. I either take it all or nothing.

For now, I will just breath on my own. Be my usual selfish, awesome, hilarious, impulsive glorious self and do my thing. At some point, sure, I will get fed up not getting any hanky panky (I can still giggle about this) as I love a good night long romp between the sheets, but hey, life as we all know, is not perfect.

Until the next time…

This isn’t healthy love

· Leave a comment ·

I came across this earlier on Facebook and this is exactly how I felt in the last year of my previous relationship:

In a relationship you shouldn’t have to think

Five steps ahead

Walk on eggshells

Anticipate their mood

Take the blame for all tensions

Read their minds

Apologise for their behaviour

And fear they may stop loving you

From one day to the next

Until the next time…

I Am No Ones Wife

· Leave a comment ·

After I ended my marriage a few years ago, I thought, I will be on my own for some time….

But like so often before, fate had other plans in place and I met someone, I thought I would have my happy ever after after all with. Only that last year everything went downhill with lots of tears and eventually ended in another break up.

I guess the issue is my problem with authority. The very second a man tries to tell me how to live my life and even say, that they don’t want me to do something, it’s game over. I go from 0 to 100 and all hell will break loos.

My grandma used to say, I have to come down from my high horse and have to compromise. Well, I’ve been there, done that and it never felt right. Why do I have to compromise? Why do I have to accommodate your happiness??? And who do you think, you are, telling me what to do?

I go by: live and let live. If you don’t like the way I do things, if you don’t like, that I prioritise things I deem more important, over you… why did you want to be with me in the first place? Did you think, that I might change? I would not expect or want you to change for me.

People don’t change. We are what we are. If you don’t like what you see, just move along.

So here I am sitting on my floor in the living room as I am still waiting on my new sofa. Sorting through all my feelings and through nothing at all.

I think, for the first time ever, I quit dating for quite some time and just be on my own with my children and try to find the old me.

I have just moved to the Highlands, well Highland Perthshire to be precise. With living in the middle of nowhere in a small village, I won’t have dating opportunities anyway, which suits me just fine.

I have not figured out yet, if I am happy to be no ones wife or if I should be sad about it. Do I feel numb, maybe? Don’t think so. I am rather focusing on finding happiness in ordinary things. I am focusing in getting my mental health back on track as well as my physical health as I have been down and ill for months. And I also have to focus on improving when it comes to my job.

So, yeah. I am no ones wife.

Until the next time..

Why I love some people more than others…

· Leave a comment ·

I am guilty as charged. I admit it, I love some people more than others. It’s not, that I don’t love the others, it’s just, that I connect better/deeper with a specific kind.

I never connected with my mother, because I am not like her. I always had my own different opinion and did things differently than she would and we clashed a lot…

I am absolutely certain, that I was my grandmother’s favourite. She also clashed with her mother and didn’t feel wanted. She would do things her own way, which wasn’t accepted. My grandma was my favourite person in the whole wide world and still is.

I also know, that I am my brother’s favourite sister. We both feel, that we were not wanted by our mother, especially my brother as he grew up with my other grandma, as it was easier for my mother. Back then there was only love and affection, when we did as we were told…which was not very often. Because that is what children do when they feel unwanted, unloved and misunderstood- we rebelled.

Last week I was out with my son. My foster son, who already moved out. While we were mountain hiking, we talked about mothers and I said “…well you don’t call me “mom”, but I am still your mother… maybe you are not comfortable, calling me this…” From all the horrible things he told from when he was still with his biological parents till his former foster parents, the following was the saddest I heard from him: “…I really didn’t get to use the term “mom” before.” I replied, that maybe it is time to start now and he said, yes. In another recent conversation we discovered, that in 2017 when I still lived in England, on one weekend I was out on a race in Muker over to Tan Hill Inn. While I was racing I saw, what I thought, must be scouts or a group of teenagers hiking. My son said, he was out that weekend with the scouts and saw a lot of runners that day racing. This was fate. It was meant to be. Fate back then thought, there is a lonely boy who is in need of a mother and years later it did come true. It really upsets me, when people say, that he is not my son, as I didn’t adopt him, only fostered him and he already moved out. Like my sister who I phoned two weeks ago, all excited. I said, guess who will be a grandma? She said “noooo, Dana?” I said no. “Dean?” Again no. She was like ??? So I said Aiden is going to be a dad and her reply was “oh ok…” as if he doesn’t count. But you know what? In the end all that counts is that he knows and feels, that I am his mother, blood related or not and that he feels loved.

I think, people who meet the same kind will cling to each other more tightly than to others, because they understand your pain. The pain of always wonder what we did wrong to not being loved. And no matter how old we are, we secretly always wish we could live up to our parents standards, knowing full well, this will never happen. We live with this pain, trying to make the best of it. So when we find someone like us, we hold tight with an iron grip.

My brother and me, we hold each other. Aiden and me, we hold each other. My grandma and me did the same when she was still alive. And we all share the look of knowing how the other one feels.

Until the next time…