Month: February 2022

Un-Pregnant Effing Valentine’s Day!!!

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Today is Valentine’s Day. Did I enjoy it so far? Not really!

So far I left early to get the food shopping done before work, went to work, fortunately finished by just after 11am, went home, tidied up, did 3 rounds of washing, exercised, fixed holes on clothes and dog bed, picked up children from school, made tea…and the day is not over, yet.

Future husband (that’s if he still wants me) got me some lovely cashmere tops and a card, I in return got him a hoodie and no card as cards are not my thing. He is still out working (new job). I am still stuck with my job as a carer and am job hunting without success.

I still live in a house which I refer to as the “ice house” as it is really cold without radiators on, in an area I hate.

I wouldn’t mind all the above, if I was pregnant. That is the only thing I really desire!

We have been trying for over a year now. Every month I hope anew and every month shark week arrives once again. Twice I have been pregnant but miscarried in the first trimester. And when people say, you just have to relax, I want to rip their heads off! I am soon 43 years old. I don’t have time to relax as time is literally running out!

The other day I checked fertility treatments and since I am not eligible for NHS treatment (too old, already have children), the chances to pay for treatment myself is next zero. I can’t just pull out £5.000,- for IVF… IUI is “only” plus minus £1.000,-.

And wherever I go, whatever I watch, whatever I read in the news, everyone is pregnant. Or so it seems.

So yeah, here I am sitting in my living room, feeling all sorry for myself despite the fact I am not the only one going through things.

Until the next time…

Never-ending Story Of Punishment

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So I recently had another round of my daughter and me arguing. Well, she argued with me. She is like a broken record. She keeps repeating herself, keeps bringing up all the things that hurt her in the past, keeps bringing up how I did not take her serious back then and so on and on and on.

She did say some very hurtful and disrespectful things…maybe that is her thinking “payback”?! Maybe it is her just lashing out. I couldn’t tell you.

The first few times I felt really bad and cried my eyes out. I apologised so many times, tried to make her understand that it was never my intention to hurt her. I tried to find out what I could do to make it better. I asked her what she wants me to do.

But I did not get anywhere, except from one thing:

I have enough! I apologised and I meant it and I will not have her walk over me over and over again. If she wants to be angry, than by all means. I will just let her be and if she is ready (one day), she knows how to find me.

And while I was at it and decided to not contact her any further, I also de-friended lots of my family members. I know, I know that sounds so childish and maybe it is. But I don’t want people on my social media to snoop around if I don’t have any contact with them so I did what many would have done.

Cut them out of my life

Until the next time…