Having lost my
Broken heart somewhere
Along the way
I try to re-trace
The many tears I shed
But it is hopeless
To find my barely
Beating heart on the
Rocky path I have always
Walked
As it is covered
By the endless
Sand of the lonely
Desert
Category: Men
My Father Has Died
I thought I wouldn’t cry.
But I did.
I secretly hoped we would find a way to be close again, just like fathers and daughter should be.
When I was day dreaming, I was dreaming of a better world with enough money to get my father to Scotland to live with me and my family.
But all of a sudden it was over.
Just like that.
Now I can only dream of the day were we might meet once again.
Perceptions
It is often a funny and interesting thing how others perceive you and how you perceive yourself.
Here are some of my examples:
Future husband calls my dress code “geeky”, I call it stylish!
When I left my ex husband I left my children with him as we concluded this is in the children’s best interest and for them to get used to the idea that they soon will have two homes. My parents and all my mother sides family think I left them because of future husband and no matter the circumstances, children always belong to the mother!
My boss thinks I am rude. I am not rude, I just don’t sugar coat thinks and get straight to the point! BIG difference!
Most women don’t like me as they think I am a threat to their relationship. I am no threat, I am just a guys girl who can take a joke and buddy up without any sexual background.
The list goes on and on…
What I want to say is:
What others think of you doesn’t really matter as long as you are happy with yourself and your actions.
And I am pretty happy with who I am. I made it in this world so far, and I will make it even further.
Until the next time…
Can’t Have It All… Can’t Have Anything At All!
I was so certain that this year will be my year. I was looking forward to three major things:
- Getting pregnant! BUT, we need help from the doc. In order to get help from the doc you need an appointment and almost a month later, we are still waiting. And even if/when we finally get seen, IVF is expensive. Who can shake up thousands of £££ for fertility treatment?!
- Getting married! We wanted to get married on the day we got together. Romantic and more importantly easy to remember. But there are so many others wanting to get married, because they couldn’t due to Covid and lock-downs. So future husband suggested to get married on our day next year, only that the day falls on a Saturday and Saturdays are apparently the unluckiest days to get married. And yes, I am superstitious. This time I want my happily ever after! I want this to work, I want to put all the effort and love it needs into this relationship. But now I don’t know at all when we are getting married…
- Moving house! And moving house is just as important as the two other ones mentioned above. Moving house will be my life saver as I am so, so, so unhappy where I live! Everyday I feel myself slipping a bit further down the rabbit hole. But again, rentals are expansive and house prices extortionate. There are a few houses I bookmarked. All I need to do is win the lottery…or wait for a miracle…
So as you can see, nothing really is working out.
Patience is a virtue, right?!
Until the next time…
Fertility Treatment Or Adoption???
So future husband and me are talking fertility treatment in Prague as it is much cheaper here in UK. So good so far.
There are different methods of course, one of them to use donor sperm/eggs. Of course you would not meet with the donor and you don’t get to know what they look like, except the colour of the hair, eyes, height. A description of the donor so to speak.
BUT:
Future husband says, he doesn’t want a donor. If he can’t have own children, he want to adopt. But an adopted child wouldn’t be his biological child either!
So I might have to come to terms with not having another child grow inside of me which is sad really as I, well we, where looking forward to it.
The other question would be, would an agency agree to give us/match us with a child? I say child, as it is very unlikely we get a newborn as waiting lists are endless and surely newborns would go to childless couples first, right?
Well as you can see from my previous posts, there is always some drama in my life, but I hope I am able to entertain you better in the near future.
Until next time…
Fertility, Fertility, Where Are You?!?
Yesterday I received a phone call from one of the doctors at my local surgery. Both me and future husband where tested in regards to fertility and guess what?
A next to zero chance to get pregnant naturally! That was blow number 1!
She then continues to explain that we do not fulfil the criteria for NHS fertility funding and if we want to start fertility treatment (IVF), we would have to fund it ourselves! That was blow number two!
After that she says in a very negative and dismissive tone, that even if we try, there is only a 5% success rate of pregnancy! Blow number3!
We don’t fulfil the criteria because we are over 40 and I already have children. So I wonder, where is the equality here?! Yes, I have children, but future husband doesn’t! Shouldn’t that count as well??? Or would that mean, he would have to move on to a younger childless lady to “fulfil the criteria” in order to become a first time dad?
I am angry, and I am disappointed. Not because it doesn’t happen naturally (well ok, a bit), but because the doctor was so negative and unhelpful. Of course she asked, if I have any further questions, but she didn’t point anything else out to me and only gave me vague answered to my questions for further checks.
Fertility treatment here in UK cost a lot! Who can afford that??? Go fund me pages are full with couples wanting treatment…
This is one thing to add to my “why I am unhappy list”.
Until the next time…
Un-Pregnant Effing Valentine’s Day!!!
Today is Valentine’s Day. Did I enjoy it so far? Not really!
So far I left early to get the food shopping done before work, went to work, fortunately finished by just after 11am, went home, tidied up, did 3 rounds of washing, exercised, fixed holes on clothes and dog bed, picked up children from school, made tea…and the day is not over, yet.
Future husband (that’s if he still wants me) got me some lovely cashmere tops and a card, I in return got him a hoodie and no card as cards are not my thing. He is still out working (new job). I am still stuck with my job as a carer and am job hunting without success.
I still live in a house which I refer to as the “ice house” as it is really cold without radiators on, in an area I hate.
I wouldn’t mind all the above, if I was pregnant. That is the only thing I really desire!
We have been trying for over a year now. Every month I hope anew and every month shark week arrives once again. Twice I have been pregnant but miscarried in the first trimester. And when people say, you just have to relax, I want to rip their heads off! I am soon 43 years old. I don’t have time to relax as time is literally running out!
The other day I checked fertility treatments and since I am not eligible for NHS treatment (too old, already have children), the chances to pay for treatment myself is next zero. I can’t just pull out £5.000,- for IVF… IUI is “only” plus minus £1.000,-.
And wherever I go, whatever I watch, whatever I read in the news, everyone is pregnant. Or so it seems.
So yeah, here I am sitting in my living room, feeling all sorry for myself despite the fact I am not the only one going through things.
Until the next time…
Till Death Do Us Part?
Today I watched the latest episode of “And Just Like That” and Carry said something like “…technically I am not married anymore…my husband died…”
I was thinking about future husband. If he died before me, I would still believe and see myself as married to him. Which reminds me of something a client said to me a few days ago:
She said “…my husband died 18 years ago and there isn’t a day where I don’t think about him and I miss him every day…” She said “my husband” even though he died such a long time ago, she still sees herself as his wife. Not even death could part them.
Which is so bitter sweet. That is what I want for myself and this is what I would wish for everyone else on this planet.
Until the next time…
Am I The Asshole???
So to keep a long story short, I just say it as it is:
My fiancé wanted me to finance him a motorbike, I said “no”!
Which caused a huge argument. One didn’t talk to the other for some hours.
My reason for not wanting to do that was/is quite easy:
I didn’t want us to drown in debt! I still have a big chunk of my credit card to pay back, future husband has to pay things back and I thought we have other priorities anyway like
getting married, having children, moving house, maybe even buying a house once our financial situation has gotten better.
Future husband of course said, I wouldn’t trust him, said at least he knows where he stands with me… well to put it this way:
He acted like a little child who received the answer “no”. He said, if it was the other way around, he wouldn’t have hesitated. The thing is, I wouldn’t even think to put him in such a situation unless he/we would financially well off. Yes, he would be able to pay the monthly rates, but what if something happens, like him getting injured again, things that would prevent him paying? I can’t pay for him even if I wanted to.
To the guys who might read this:
Why is a motorbike so much more important than the things I thought we both wanted??? I thought children and marriage followed by moving house (I still hate it here) was what was important! A motorbike is not a necessity! Like my citizenship which I want so bad. I know I can’t afford it right now (fees are £1400,- +/-) so I have to wait. Easy, right?!
However, eventually I did try to get a loan from my bank. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt pressured to do so. But with my meager wage and that huge credit card bill, of course I was rejected and to be honest, I am glad. I already have tears in my eyes, every time I see my account anyway…
Well guess I can write off the the future plans we had and just keep living trying to make it from one day to the next…
Until next the time
Me, The Green-Eyed Monster (ask for password)
In more than one situation I found myself as the green-eyed monster. I find that awful but can’t help it.
Every now and again, future husband jokes about things. Things I can’t find funny at all and every time I have to swallow my jealousy! But deep inside I am as green as a cucumber.
For example we where talking about situations when a man/woman ogles someone else in their partners present. And instead of either ignoring my comment or saying that , yes, that is not appropriate, he laughed and said:
“Don’t worry darling, I only do that when you are not there”.
Or little things that annoy me like when the radio is on and there is a female singer and he says:
“Ooooh I like a little bit of XY”.
I know it is silly but at those moments I feel very little, inadequate and not good enough! And I want to knock other women teeth out when they smile a bit too much at my men. Oooh that would really satisfy in those moments. But of course it would take a lot more to loose my shit.
It might just be him making fun or it could be that I am really not enough for him.
I should know, I am the Queen of Flirting!
I did it my whole life but put a stop to it now, because it caused me nothing but trouble in the past.
Now it feels like karma finally bites me in the ass and I don’t like it one bit.
Keep breathing, keep breathing…
Until the next time
Franky Reloaded 