Category: Men

Am I The Asshole???

So to keep a long story short, I just say it as it is:

My fiancé wanted me to finance him a motorbike, I said “no”!

Which caused a huge argument. One didn’t talk to the other for some hours.

My reason for not wanting to do that was/is quite easy:

I didn’t want us to drown in debt! I still have a big chunk of my credit card to pay back, future husband has to pay things back and I thought we have other priorities anyway like

getting married, having children, moving house, maybe even buying a house once our financial situation has gotten better.

Future husband of course said, I wouldn’t trust him, said at least he knows where he stands with me… well to put it this way:

He acted like a little child who received the answer “no”. He said, if it was the other way around, he wouldn’t have hesitated. The thing is, I wouldn’t even think to put him in such a situation unless he/we would financially well off. Yes, he would be able to pay the monthly rates, but what if something happens, like him getting injured again, things that would prevent him paying? I can’t pay for him even if I wanted to.

To the guys who might read this:

Why is a motorbike so much more important than the things I thought we both wanted??? I thought children and marriage followed by moving house (I still hate it here) was what was important! A motorbike is not a necessity! Like my citizenship which I want so bad. I know I can’t afford it right now (fees are £1400,- +/-) so I have to wait. Easy, right?!

However, eventually I did try to get a loan from my bank. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt pressured to do so. But with my meager wage and that huge credit card bill, of course I was rejected and to be honest, I am glad. I already have tears in my eyes, every time I see my account anyway…

Well guess I can write off the the future plans we had and just keep living trying to make it from one day to the next…

Until next the time

Me, The Green-Eyed Monster (ask for password)

In more than one situation I found myself as the green-eyed monster. I find that awful but can’t help it.

Every now and again, future husband jokes about things. Things I can’t find funny at all and every time I have to swallow my jealousy! But deep inside I am as green as a cucumber.

For example we where talking about situations when a man/woman ogles someone else in their partners present. And instead of either ignoring my comment or saying that , yes, that is not appropriate, he laughed and said:

“Don’t worry darling, I only do that when you are not there”.

Or little things that annoy me like when the radio is on and there is a female singer and he says:

“Ooooh I like a little bit of XY”.

I know it is silly but at those moments I feel very little, inadequate and not good enough! And I want to knock other women teeth out when they smile a bit too much at my men. Oooh that would really satisfy in those moments. But of course it would take a lot more to loose my shit.

It might just be him making fun or it could be that I am really not enough for him.

I should know, I am the Queen of Flirting!

I did it my whole life but put a stop to it now, because it caused me nothing but trouble in the past.

Now it feels like karma finally bites me in the ass and I don’t like it one bit.

Keep breathing, keep breathing…

Until the next time

The Missing Bun (ask for password)

The only time, women are happy to feel sick 24/7 is when they are pregnant!

Almost a year ago I had a very early miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant…

Forward to the year 2021:

A month ago I started to feel queasy all the time and was drinking so much water, I could have drunk it straight from the hose.

My due date for my period came and passed and I was so happy. All the symptoms where there…..

….until the morning I started to heavily bleed…..

And just like that it was over.

It wasn’t the end of the world as I know that is nature sorting things out, that what could have been a baby wasn’t healthy enough to live just yet.

But I was still sad. Sad because I knew what could have been and said because it took us so long to get to this point! Future husband was sad as well, of course he was.

Everyone who has been trying for some time knows where I am coming from.

Every month you hope it happened but no, shark week is on again. SIGH.

And the fact, that according to my age I only have a 5% chance to get pregnant every month, doesn’t help either.

I already consulted the doctors. The next step is the fertility clinic for check ups.

So fingers crossed, legs open and off to another few rounds of lots of fun.

Until the next time

Shocked, Disgusted & Thoughtful

Recently I was talking with a co-worker. We where talking about our families and our (my) current living arrangements.

When I told her, that I left the house to my ex she ice cold said:

“I would have not done that. You have given up a career for the children. He should sell the house and give you half of the money as you earned it, you are entitled to it!”

Excuse me?!

I very consciously decided to bring life into this world. I wanted these children. And I was lucky enough that my ex earned enough so that I could stay at home and get to spend precious time with them and raise them.

I, decided to stay at home and not work!

My ex has been paying the mortgage and will continue to do so. So why, when I don’t contribute to it, am I entitled to the house and the money?

Only because I gave birth to his children? That is just ridiculous!

Why are people still so materialistic? Money does not make you happy!

This co-worker will definitely not become a friend of mine, I can tell you that!

Franky

She Visited Me- In my Dreams

A couple of days ago I woke up.

I felt all cozy and happy and at peace.

I dreamt of my grandma. She visited me in my dreams. I can’t remember what the dream was about.

When I awoke, I wanted to fall back asleep. So bad. But it did not happen.

My grandma passed away a couple of years ago, but I am a great believer when it comes to the dead visiting you (in different ways).

Usually it would be on halloween, or in form of a robin. This time it was in my dream.

I like to believe that we had a nice conversation about everything that has been going on in my life recently.

I am sure every now and again she would have started a sentence with

“Oh well child…”, just like she used to do when she wanted to open my eyes about certain things.

When she was still alive, I would call her whenever I felt bad. Or even when I needed advise for random things. Or just to talk. I would always call her…

Nowadays when I feel sad the first thing that comes to my mind is, to call her. Still after so many years. And then realisation hits. I can’t call her. She is not here anymore. She can’t give me advise and reassure me that everything will work out eventually.

But I am very certain, that in my dream she did just that!

She told me I will find my way and that everything will be just like I imagine it will be. And I am sure, she hugged me and held me tight only the way she could.

I am sure she was happy to hear, that I found someone who takes care of me and who protects me so she doesn’t have to worry.

When I woke up I felt loved and save. She came when I needed her the most.

Thank you, Grandma.

I love you.

Always!

Until the next time.

Franky