Category: Family

When Your Heart Dies A Little Bit

19 years I was with my children. When you have children surround you for such a long time you have your routine, you get used to all the demands and constant whinging and fighting, and arguing with each other turns into white noise. You don’t really register it anymore.

Now it is January 2021. I have been separated from the lot since the end of October 2020. My babies are supposed to join me and my other half in summer for good.

Of course I see them if and when I can on a regular basis and we video phone as well.

But that is not enough! I miss them. I miss not knowing what they are doing. I miss not hearing their voices somewhere in the house. I miss throwing them out of the kitchen for the 1000s time in search of food (they are like caterpillars, I swear!).

Today their teacher phoned me up to check how they get on with online learning. I could not answer that as they are at their dad’s house! Do you know how that makes me feel??? Not good! It feels like I am not involved anymore despite reminding them of homework or telling them that there is educational tv on BBC now…

Physically I am not there. I am not there to talk to them. I can’t hold them and kiss them and hug them and tell them the next day will be better or tell one of them that she doesn’t hate her little brother.

I miss them from the second I wake up until I fall back asleep and if I could remember dreams, I am sure that I miss them even then!

I try my best to not let this affect me too much, but it is tough.

Can’t it be summer next month???


This Lock-Down Is Really Annoying Me

Last lock-down was great! I was furloughed and paid for being lazy at home! I got to spend valuable time with my children and exercise as much and when I wanted not to mention binge watching Netflix and reading book after book after book.

The last lock-down was March 2020 and I was living in a nice area with mountains and waterfalls…

This lock-down however is very different.

I am a key worker, I have to work. That is fine.

But I live in an area I do not like at all… which makes me really unhappy!

For days I was moaning and complaining that there is everywhere snow but here in my area! Last week I got to enjoy one day running in snow (and falling as as well, that came for free).

Today I wake up to lots of snow! My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. So in my running gear I jumped, grabbed the dog and in the car. But… BUT…(big dramatic sigh) the roads where so bad, I had to be very careful. To make matters worse, I couldn’t even park where I wanted to go running (no bitching, please, I stayed local). The snow was too high for my little cute Mini Countryman, so we returned home.

And that is the thing:

I hate that I have to drive (even if it is for only 5 minutes) to hit some nice trails.

And the babies?! They are at their dad’s house of course, enjoying snow in their garden, without me.

No, this time I certainly don’t enjoy the lock-down.


When We Where Still A Trio

Sitting here all on my own I am reminiscing about the time when my two older ones where still little and me raising them on my own.

We where the perfect trio!

Back then many days seemed so difficult. We where rushing through the days and before we knew it, the year was over.

I can remember a time where we didn’t even have a car and needed to get the shopping done. All three of us grabbed a big rucksack and off we went. In the shop we all swarmed out, each with a task just to regroup a few minutes later.

We where a very good trio. We knew what to do and when. There was no one to interfere.

Then I often felt tired with two little children and a job, at some point even two jobs, but do you know what?

We where happy!

There is no trio anymore as they are grown up and do their own thing. One of them (the stubborn as mommy daughter) still not talking to me, the other too absorbed with his own life…

Oh how nice would it be if one could go back in time, just for a while.