Category: Mood

My Father Has Died

I thought I wouldn’t cry.

But I did.

I secretly hoped we would find a way to be close again, just like fathers and daughter should be.

When I was day dreaming, I was dreaming of a better world with enough money to get my father to Scotland to live with me and my family.

But all of a sudden it was over.

Just like that.

Now I can only dream of the day were we might meet once again.

What Makes You Sad

The other day I was lazily browsing through Facebook videos and came across this beautiful song from America’s Got Talent:

Whenever I hear someone with a truly amazing voice, I stop everything else and just listen…

So he asks, “what makes you sad?”

And when I heard that song for the very first time I had to swallow the lump in my throat as there is only one thing that makes me sad.

The passing of my gran. It has been more than 3 years, but there is not a single month where I don’t have a secret cry over the fact that I can’t hear her voice and ask her for advice.

And to not being able to hug her and being enveloped in her love hurts the most.

I once told her, that I will need her forever and that has not changed a bit.

Whenever I need advice my first thought is, what would my gran say?

So yes, this is what makes me truly sad…

Until the next time…

A Year Working In Care And Why I Quit

I have been working as a care attendant for more than 1 1/2 years and today was my last day of work.

And I feel more than happy and yes a little bit lighter. Since I started my position I had nothing but money troubles, something I never had before! There was not a single month where I wasn’t in my banks overdraft. I have been working for a company who does not pay you anything when you are on a way to another client’s house. This can be anything between a 15 minutes gap to more than two hours and per week that would be easily accumulate £100. And the percentage we get for fuel doesn’t even cover a quarter.

Working in care is mentally so draining the very second I come home, I want to go to bed! You meet a lot of different people, most of them are very nice and so are their family members. But let’s face it, everyone in care is in care for a reason. They need help. The families who look after them, they need help and they are all exhausted.

I wasn’t only carer. I was everything they needed me to be:

  • Cook
  • Cleaner
  • Shopping Assistant
  • Psychiatrist
  • Punchbag

And sometimes you develop very good relationships with clients and those are the ones who die. 4 clients received end of life care and have died. And I would lie if I’d said it didn’t affect me.

You really need to have a thick skin to work in this field.

Not only because of the service user but also when it comes to the bosses. They can be rude, unorganised and not understanding and you have to cope with this as well.

I for one, would not go back into care.

It just doesn’t pay enough to make it through the month!

Coming Monday I will be starting a new job and I am already a nervous wreck, but determined to make it work!

Until the next time…

Attending Funeral When You Lost Touch???

A few weeks back I had a conversation with my brother. We where talking about our mother and her declining health which lead us to the question whether or not to attend her funeral. I know it sounds macabre and of course I don’t wish death to anyone.

People attend funerals to say good-bye and to show their respect.

But my brother and I have no contact with my mother and never will again.

Looking back to our upbringing I clearly see that my mother was overwhelmed with me and my brother. My brother is the oldest and has a different father than my sister and I. He was a typical wild child, my mother a single working mum. Her mum looked after him while our mother worked. When our mother met my dad she pretty much fell pregnant right away with me. So my father, who deep down has a good heart, tried to step up as a dad. My brother wouldn’t have it and rebelled. By the time he was 12 he lived full time with our grandma (my mothers mum) and I can barely remember all of us doing things as a family.

And just like my brother, I was just as wild. And I think that is the reason why our mother did the things she did.

She emotionally and physically abused us.

She beat us blue and green on a weekly basis. Sometimes so bad that our teachers would question us. The reasons? Dirty clothes, home late, bad school reports and not to forget the most important one: Not eating our tea. There was always a big wooden spoon next to my plate! Many of those broke on my bum…

I can remember standing, as children do, in the night at my parents bed, too afraid to ask if I could sleep between them. Afraid she would say no and afraid she would get angry again. At some point she would wake up from me staring at her… often she would send me back in my room.

She would not allow friends in her house, she would not allow me to play with certain children as she deemed them not good enough. I wasn’t allowed to have birthday parties with my friends.

I can’t remember ever going to playgrounds or even play inside with her. During summer she would take me and my sister to the swimming pool, but that was it.

As a teenager she once grounded me for almost a year without tv or my stereo. Why? Because she didn’t like my boyfriend at the time who she saw once! Do you know what isolating a child does to their mental health???

She would say things like, “you will not pass your school exam anyway”. She said the same before I sat my exam to become a legal secretary and when I moved away she threw a big tantrum, again saying, that I won’t make it anyway! By the way, I passed my exams and managed to stay on my own feet!

We where on such bad terms, that I told her through my father (while checking the fridge for food), that I am pregnant with my first child. It was not acknowledged! When I was pregnant with my second child her reaction was and I quote: “Do you actually want to keep it?!” What the actual heck??? So when I hid my third pregnancy and told her on the day I gave birth, she was really annoyed with me. I explained that I did it because of her previous reactions. So I thought she learned her lesson. I should have known better! When I was pregnant with my fourth child she just said “…if that is what you want…” I didn’t have the happy tears, hugging and jumping up and down other daughters receive. Nope.

When I divorced my ex and we decided together with the children our next steps, that we will give them time to adjust and stay with him until the school year is over, my mother screamed at me! It didn’t interest her that fathers have rights, too! She didn’t want to hear that I don’t want to rip my children away from everything they ever new from one day to the next. No, in her opinion children belong to the mother! She, who left her son with her mother, tells me that?!?

The last time my mother saw her grandchildren was before Corona. Three years ago. Not once did she visit us here, despite the fact we would have had room and would have picked her up which she knew! We moved to the UK in 2015!!!

My mother is not interested in anything and she makes everything about her!

I tried really hard to see it from different perspectives. Maybe it was her upbringing? Her father was a drunk who would beat all his 6 children. But then again, she had a very close relationship with her mother. And if you had such a bad upbringing, wouldn’t you try to do it better and not repeat the pattern?

I tried to ignore her behaviour, I tried to talk about it, but the end result is always the same:

There is her way, or no way!

When I was a little girl of 2, or 3, I would start to stay at my fathers mom, my beloved grandmother, every holiday. And every time when my parents tried to pick me up, I would hold onto my gran for dear life, screaming, kicking and crying, pleading to be left with her.

What child does that?! A child that never received the emotional support and love it needed! The same goes for my brother. We are the same. We got punished because our mind is different from our mother’s! And even though I left all those things in the past, it will stay with me forever.

I can’t be in a quiet house, I have attachment problems, I keep on changing everything from jobs to locations and hair styles and there is the need to keep on learning new things.

In the end I just gave up looking for her love and approval as I know she will never give me what I need and she will never change. And because it was so exhausting and because of our last and biggest fight where not only she decided to not talk to me but also my complete family (except my siblings), I through the towel in. I won’t do this anymore. She is out of my life for good and I don’t want her back.

Which brings me to the actual question:

Would I go to her funeral when the time comes? Even though it is a sign of respect, it is a clear “no”! I would be a hypocrite to show up. I can’t pretend to be respectful when so much has happened and I feel the way I do. Surely she will be turning in her grave and the rest of the bunch will think “typical”, but it is what it is.

She never felt like family, my family died when my grandma died! She was the most important person in my life and she will be the only one I will mourn for the rest of my life!

As for me: I will never give up hope! I will never stop loving! And I will never stop reaching for the stars!

Until the next time…

Perceptions

It is often a funny and interesting thing how others perceive you and how you perceive yourself.

Here are some of my examples:

Future husband calls my dress code “geeky”, I call it stylish!

When I left my ex husband I left my children with him as we concluded this is in the children’s best interest and for them to get used to the idea that they soon will have two homes. My parents and all my mother sides family think I left them because of future husband and no matter the circumstances, children always belong to the mother!

My boss thinks I am rude. I am not rude, I just don’t sugar coat thinks and get straight to the point! BIG difference!

Most women don’t like me as they think I am a threat to their relationship. I am no threat, I am just a guys girl who can take a joke and buddy up without any sexual background.

The list goes on and on…

What I want to say is:

What others think of you doesn’t really matter as long as you are happy with yourself and your actions.

And I am pretty happy with who I am. I made it in this world so far, and I will make it even further.

Until the next time…

Health Update

So after I suffered like a dog from headaches that lasted more than 5 weeks and a sore throat, I am finally on the mend.

Since 3 different doctors diagnosed me with 3 different things, I can’t really tell what it was. All I know is, that my headaches got less and finally have gone and my throat only hurts a bit when I touch it.

My iron levels are getting back to normal as I am not as tired anymore.

Last Friday I started an exercise streak to finally get back to my former self and my routine.

Every morning my beloved Lumie alarm clock wakes me up at 5:45am. I take 15 minutes to get through my emails, the weather, my bank (even though it brings crocodile tears to my eyes) and world news. After that I am up and in my sport gear, my 8kg kettlebell, yoga mat and 20kg sand sack out for up to an hour of training, stretching, huffing and puffing!

I know it has only been a few days, but even though there are no visible changes yet, I feel and sleep so much better.

I will stick to it for a month and after that my cardiovascular system and strength in my legs will have improved enough to get back out on the trails. After that it will be a constant mix of both, which means I hopefully will be able to continue my streak.

Mental health is so important and one big factor for me was always sport.

So here I am, marching on.

Until the next time….

Can’t Have It All… Can’t Have Anything At All!

I was so certain that this year will be my year. I was looking forward to three major things:

  • Getting pregnant! BUT, we need help from the doc. In order to get help from the doc you need an appointment and almost a month later, we are still waiting. And even if/when we finally get seen, IVF is expensive. Who can shake up thousands of £££ for fertility treatment?!
  • Getting married! We wanted to get married on the day we got together. Romantic and more importantly easy to remember. But there are so many others wanting to get married, because they couldn’t due to Covid and lock-downs. So future husband suggested to get married on our day next year, only that the day falls on a Saturday and Saturdays are apparently the unluckiest days to get married. And yes, I am superstitious. This time I want my happily ever after! I want this to work, I want to put all the effort and love it needs into this relationship. But now I don’t know at all when we are getting married…
  • Moving house! And moving house is just as important as the two other ones mentioned above. Moving house will be my life saver as I am so, so, so unhappy where I live! Everyday I feel myself slipping a bit further down the rabbit hole. But again, rentals are expansive and house prices extortionate. There are a few houses I bookmarked. All I need to do is win the lottery…or wait for a miracle…

So as you can see, nothing really is working out.

Patience is a virtue, right?!

Until the next time…

Baby Boom- You Are So Lucky

Since future husband and me where given the news, that the chances are next to zero for me to get pregnant naturally, my view has changed.

When we didn’t know that I couldn’t get pregnant the natural, easy peasy fun and hot way, I would always say “of course she is pregnant” when someone on social media would announce their happy news.

However now every time I see something like that or when I see mothers with their little flock of “ducklings” my first thought is:

“You are so lucky!” And they indeed are and I envy them!

I know it sounds a bit like I have given up and maybe I did.

We are waiting for an appointment at the fertility unit… and there is the first hack: We are not the only ones. It can take weeks, many weeks to get one, probably followed by another few weeks waiting for further tests. Tests we have to pay ourselves I might add. And money is tight nowadays.

And waiting patiently is not really my strong side. I will be 43 years old this month, there is not much time left for me, never mind patience.

The next hack could be to get told that there is no chance for me to get pregnant. And that’s it: I don’t want to put my life on hold hoping for something that might not happen.

I’d like to keep myself preoccupied with running, but running where I live?! Country roads is what I face here. I am not a road runner, I am a trail and mountain runner and due to work and family commitments I can’t just get in the car before work (not enough time) or after work (my children).

You feel my dilemma?!

Well where I come from is a funny saying:

“Keep your ears stiff!”

Which means “stay strong!”

So I guess that’s what I will do, I’ll keep my ears stiff and hope for the best!

Until the next time…

Why I Say “Yes” Instead Of “No”

At least once per week, I have a conversation with future husband about me not sticking to what I say to my children.

The thing is, parents say “no” more often than its actually necessary!

When I grew up, all I heard from my mother was “no”. All. The. Time.

If someone would have given me the chance to choose where to live, let me tell you, it wouldn’t have been my parents house!

There was no love and affection. Fair enough, we had our moments where I thought that they do love me after all, but that was always crushed fairly shortly.

So to me it is not a big deal to say yes, instead of no. I shower my children with love and affection and tell them how beautiful they are and that I love them and I cuddle with them and take them out to do things…

All the things my parents never did.

Very often I feel bad because I can’t buy them things that are costly or that they have to share a room, but I am sure when they are grown up one day, they won’t mind. What they (hopefully) will remember is the love and support they had and continue to have until I stop breathing!

A “yes” doesn’t hurt anyone, right?!

Until the next time…

Fertility Treatment Or Adoption???

So future husband and me are talking fertility treatment in Prague as it is much cheaper here in UK. So good so far.

There are different methods of course, one of them to use donor sperm/eggs. Of course you would not meet with the donor and you don’t get to know what they look like, except the colour of the hair, eyes, height. A description of the donor so to speak.

BUT:

Future husband says, he doesn’t want a donor. If he can’t have own children, he want to adopt. But an adopted child wouldn’t be his biological child either!

So I might have to come to terms with not having another child grow inside of me which is sad really as I, well we, where looking forward to it.

The other question would be, would an agency agree to give us/match us with a child? I say child, as it is very unlikely we get a newborn as waiting lists are endless and surely newborns would go to childless couples first, right?

Well as you can see from my previous posts, there is always some drama in my life, but I hope I am able to entertain you better in the near future.

Until next time…