Category: Mood

Can’t Have It All… Can’t Have Anything At All!

I was so certain that this year will be my year. I was looking forward to three major things:

  • Getting pregnant! BUT, we need help from the doc. In order to get help from the doc you need an appointment and almost a month later, we are still waiting. And even if/when we finally get seen, IVF is expensive. Who can shake up thousands of £££ for fertility treatment?!
  • Getting married! We wanted to get married on the day we got together. Romantic and more importantly easy to remember. But there are so many others wanting to get married, because they couldn’t due to Covid and lock-downs. So future husband suggested to get married on our day next year, only that the day falls on a Saturday and Saturdays are apparently the unluckiest days to get married. And yes, I am superstitious. This time I want my happily ever after! I want this to work, I want to put all the effort and love it needs into this relationship. But now I don’t know at all when we are getting married…
  • Moving house! And moving house is just as important as the two other ones mentioned above. Moving house will be my life saver as I am so, so, so unhappy where I live! Everyday I feel myself slipping a bit further down the rabbit hole. But again, rentals are expansive and house prices extortionate. There are a few houses I bookmarked. All I need to do is win the lottery…or wait for a miracle…

So as you can see, nothing really is working out.

Patience is a virtue, right?!

Until the next time…

Baby Boom- You Are So Lucky

Since future husband and me where given the news, that the chances are next to zero for me to get pregnant naturally, my view has changed.

When we didn’t know that I couldn’t get pregnant the natural, easy peasy fun and hot way, I would always say “of course she is pregnant” when someone on social media would announce their happy news.

However now every time I see something like that or when I see mothers with their little flock of “ducklings” my first thought is:

“You are so lucky!” And they indeed are and I envy them!

I know it sounds a bit like I have given up and maybe I did.

We are waiting for an appointment at the fertility unit… and there is the first hack: We are not the only ones. It can take weeks, many weeks to get one, probably followed by another few weeks waiting for further tests. Tests we have to pay ourselves I might add. And money is tight nowadays.

And waiting patiently is not really my strong side. I will be 43 years old this month, there is not much time left for me, never mind patience.

The next hack could be to get told that there is no chance for me to get pregnant. And that’s it: I don’t want to put my life on hold hoping for something that might not happen.

I’d like to keep myself preoccupied with running, but running where I live?! Country roads is what I face here. I am not a road runner, I am a trail and mountain runner and due to work and family commitments I can’t just get in the car before work (not enough time) or after work (my children).

You feel my dilemma?!

Well where I come from is a funny saying:

“Keep your ears stiff!”

Which means “stay strong!”

So I guess that’s what I will do, I’ll keep my ears stiff and hope for the best!

Until the next time…

Why I Say “Yes” Instead Of “No”

At least once per week, I have a conversation with future husband about me not sticking to what I say to my children.

The thing is, parents say “no” more often than its actually necessary!

When I grew up, all I heard from my mother was “no”. All. The. Time.

If someone would have given me the chance to choose where to live, let me tell you, it wouldn’t have been my parents house!

There was no love and affection. Fair enough, we had our moments where I thought that they do love me after all, but that was always crushed fairly shortly.

So to me it is not a big deal to say yes, instead of no. I shower my children with love and affection and tell them how beautiful they are and that I love them and I cuddle with them and take them out to do things…

All the things my parents never did.

Very often I feel bad because I can’t buy them things that are costly or that they have to share a room, but I am sure when they are grown up one day, they won’t mind. What they (hopefully) will remember is the love and support they had and continue to have until I stop breathing!

A “yes” doesn’t hurt anyone, right?!

Until the next time…

Fertility Treatment Or Adoption???

So future husband and me are talking fertility treatment in Prague as it is much cheaper here in UK. So good so far.

There are different methods of course, one of them to use donor sperm/eggs. Of course you would not meet with the donor and you don’t get to know what they look like, except the colour of the hair, eyes, height. A description of the donor so to speak.

BUT:

Future husband says, he doesn’t want a donor. If he can’t have own children, he want to adopt. But an adopted child wouldn’t be his biological child either!

So I might have to come to terms with not having another child grow inside of me which is sad really as I, well we, where looking forward to it.

The other question would be, would an agency agree to give us/match us with a child? I say child, as it is very unlikely we get a newborn as waiting lists are endless and surely newborns would go to childless couples first, right?

Well as you can see from my previous posts, there is always some drama in my life, but I hope I am able to entertain you better in the near future.

Until next time…

Iron Deficiency

I am sitting here on my sofa on my day off and all I want to do is curl up like a shrimp and sleep the day away.

There is nothing but fatigue. I don’t even exercise and I feel frozen like a lollipop!

My iron levels must be extremely low.

A few months back, my doctor discovered that my levels are down and prescribed me tablets, but I thought with a healthy diet I would get back on track and so I dismissed the tablets.

Wrong!

I didn’t. Because of a lot of things that impacted me in a negative way, all I wanted was comfort food and we all know, that comfort food is very often not the healthiest choice.

So here I am, feeling sorry for myself once more.

But it isn’t all bad. My supplement arrived today and Mr. Google said, that I should see results within two weeks.

So prayers to the Gods and fingers crossed as I can’t go on like this. I constantly feel like someone kicked me in the head and if I could, I would be in bed by 7pm.

And I really need to get better as my job and where I live is quite depressing, so I need to be able to exercise, train for races and get me ass off the sofa! Anything really to develop a better mindset!

Until the next time…

Fertility, Fertility, Where Are You?!?

Yesterday I received a phone call from one of the doctors at my local surgery. Both me and future husband where tested in regards to fertility and guess what?

A next to zero chance to get pregnant naturally! That was blow number 1!

She then continues to explain that we do not fulfil the criteria for NHS fertility funding and if we want to start fertility treatment (IVF), we would have to fund it ourselves! That was blow number two!

After that she says in a very negative and dismissive tone, that even if we try, there is only a 5% success rate of pregnancy! Blow number3!

We don’t fulfil the criteria because we are over 40 and I already have children. So I wonder, where is the equality here?! Yes, I have children, but future husband doesn’t! Shouldn’t that count as well??? Or would that mean, he would have to move on to a younger childless lady to “fulfil the criteria” in order to become a first time dad?

I am angry, and I am disappointed. Not because it doesn’t happen naturally (well ok, a bit), but because the doctor was so negative and unhelpful. Of course she asked, if I have any further questions, but she didn’t point anything else out to me and only gave me vague answered to my questions for further checks.

Fertility treatment here in UK cost a lot! Who can afford that??? Go fund me pages are full with couples wanting treatment…

This is one thing to add to my “why I am unhappy list”.

Until the next time…

Un-Pregnant Effing Valentine’s Day!!!

Today is Valentine’s Day. Did I enjoy it so far? Not really!

So far I left early to get the food shopping done before work, went to work, fortunately finished by just after 11am, went home, tidied up, did 3 rounds of washing, exercised, fixed holes on clothes and dog bed, picked up children from school, made tea…and the day is not over, yet.

Future husband (that’s if he still wants me) got me some lovely cashmere tops and a card, I in return got him a hoodie and no card as cards are not my thing. He is still out working (new job). I am still stuck with my job as a carer and am job hunting without success.

I still live in a house which I refer to as the “ice house” as it is really cold without radiators on, in an area I hate.

I wouldn’t mind all the above, if I was pregnant. That is the only thing I really desire!

We have been trying for over a year now. Every month I hope anew and every month shark week arrives once again. Twice I have been pregnant but miscarried in the first trimester. And when people say, you just have to relax, I want to rip their heads off! I am soon 43 years old. I don’t have time to relax as time is literally running out!

The other day I checked fertility treatments and since I am not eligible for NHS treatment (too old, already have children), the chances to pay for treatment myself is next zero. I can’t just pull out £5.000,- for IVF… IUI is “only” plus minus £1.000,-.

And wherever I go, whatever I watch, whatever I read in the news, everyone is pregnant. Or so it seems.

So yeah, here I am sitting in my living room, feeling all sorry for myself despite the fact I am not the only one going through things.

Until the next time…

Never-ending Story Of Punishment

So I recently had another round of my daughter and me arguing. Well, she argued with me. She is like a broken record. She keeps repeating herself, keeps bringing up all the things that hurt her in the past, keeps bringing up how I did not take her serious back then and so on and on and on.

She did say some very hurtful and disrespectful things…maybe that is her thinking “payback”?! Maybe it is her just lashing out. I couldn’t tell you.

The first few times I felt really bad and cried my eyes out. I apologised so many times, tried to make her understand that it was never my intention to hurt her. I tried to find out what I could do to make it better. I asked her what she wants me to do.

But I did not get anywhere, except from one thing:

I have enough! I apologised and I meant it and I will not have her walk over me over and over again. If she wants to be angry, than by all means. I will just let her be and if she is ready (one day), she knows how to find me.

And while I was at it and decided to not contact her any further, I also de-friended lots of my family members. I know, I know that sounds so childish and maybe it is. But I don’t want people on my social media to snoop around if I don’t have any contact with them so I did what many would have done.

I Am Grateful…

…for a lot of things but most of all for the people who walked with me for a while.

I am grateful for past best friends. We walked our separate ways at some point, but we did have a hell lot of fun!

I am grateful for my current best friends, even though they are oceans away and yet so close if we needs be!

I am grateful for the times my oldest daughter and me spend together before she got so angry with me, that she didn’t want me in her life anymore!

I am so so grateful for all the wise words, hugs and eternal love my grandma had for me, there isn’t a day I don’t think of her!

I am grateful for future husband as every time he hugs me it’s a reminder that he is home.

I am grateful for my children, they taught me to love.

And I am grateful for the ability to not take life too serious.

Until the next time…

Till Death Do Us Part?

Today I watched the latest episode of “And Just Like That” and Carry said something like “…technically I am not married anymore…my husband died…”

I was thinking about future husband. If he died before me, I would still believe and see myself as married to him. Which reminds me of something a client said to me a few days ago:

She said “…my husband died 18 years ago and there isn’t a day where I don’t think about him and I miss him every day…” She said “my husband” even though he died such a long time ago, she still sees herself as his wife. Not even death could part them.

Which is so bitter sweet. That is what I want for myself and this is what I would wish for everyone else on this planet.

Until the next time…