Category: Pregnancy

Can’t Have It All… Can’t Have Anything At All!

· Leave a comment ·

I was so certain that this year will be my year. I was looking forward to three major things:

  • Getting pregnant! BUT, we need help from the doc. In order to get help from the doc you need an appointment and almost a month later, we are still waiting. And even if/when we finally get seen, IVF is expensive. Who can shake up thousands of £££ for fertility treatment?!
  • Getting married! We wanted to get married on the day we got together. Romantic and more importantly easy to remember. But there are so many others wanting to get married, because they couldn’t due to Covid and lock-downs. So future husband suggested to get married on our day next year, only that the day falls on a Saturday and Saturdays are apparently the unluckiest days to get married. And yes, I am superstitious. This time I want my happily ever after! I want this to work, I want to put all the effort and love it needs into this relationship. But now I don’t know at all when we are getting married…
  • Moving house! And moving house is just as important as the two other ones mentioned above. Moving house will be my life saver as I am so, so, so unhappy where I live! Everyday I feel myself slipping a bit further down the rabbit hole. But again, rentals are expansive and house prices extortionate. There are a few houses I bookmarked. All I need to do is win the lottery…or wait for a miracle…

So as you can see, nothing really is working out.

Patience is a virtue, right?!

Until the next time…

Fertility Treatment Or Adoption???

· Leave a comment ·

So future husband and me are talking fertility treatment in Prague as it is much cheaper here in UK. So good so far.

There are different methods of course, one of them to use donor sperm/eggs. Of course you would not meet with the donor and you don’t get to know what they look like, except the colour of the hair, eyes, height. A description of the donor so to speak.

BUT:

Future husband says, he doesn’t want a donor. If he can’t have own children, he want to adopt. But an adopted child wouldn’t be his biological child either!

So I might have to come to terms with not having another child grow inside of me which is sad really as I, well we, where looking forward to it.

The other question would be, would an agency agree to give us/match us with a child? I say child, as it is very unlikely we get a newborn as waiting lists are endless and surely newborns would go to childless couples first, right?

Well as you can see from my previous posts, there is always some drama in my life, but I hope I am able to entertain you better in the near future.

Until next time…

Fertility, Fertility, Where Are You?!?

· Leave a comment ·

Yesterday I received a phone call from one of the doctors at my local surgery. Both me and future husband where tested in regards to fertility and guess what?

A next to zero chance to get pregnant naturally! That was blow number 1!

She then continues to explain that we do not fulfil the criteria for NHS fertility funding and if we want to start fertility treatment (IVF), we would have to fund it ourselves! That was blow number two!

After that she says in a very negative and dismissive tone, that even if we try, there is only a 5% success rate of pregnancy! Blow number3!

We don’t fulfil the criteria because we are over 40 and I already have children. So I wonder, where is the equality here?! Yes, I have children, but future husband doesn’t! Shouldn’t that count as well??? Or would that mean, he would have to move on to a younger childless lady to “fulfil the criteria” in order to become a first time dad?

I am angry, and I am disappointed. Not because it doesn’t happen naturally (well ok, a bit), but because the doctor was so negative and unhelpful. Of course she asked, if I have any further questions, but she didn’t point anything else out to me and only gave me vague answered to my questions for further checks.

Fertility treatment here in UK cost a lot! Who can afford that??? Go fund me pages are full with couples wanting treatment…

This is one thing to add to my “why I am unhappy list”.

Until the next time…

Un-Pregnant Effing Valentine’s Day!!!

· Leave a comment ·

Today is Valentine’s Day. Did I enjoy it so far? Not really!

So far I left early to get the food shopping done before work, went to work, fortunately finished by just after 11am, went home, tidied up, did 3 rounds of washing, exercised, fixed holes on clothes and dog bed, picked up children from school, made tea…and the day is not over, yet.

Future husband (that’s if he still wants me) got me some lovely cashmere tops and a card, I in return got him a hoodie and no card as cards are not my thing. He is still out working (new job). I am still stuck with my job as a carer and am job hunting without success.

I still live in a house which I refer to as the “ice house” as it is really cold without radiators on, in an area I hate.

I wouldn’t mind all the above, if I was pregnant. That is the only thing I really desire!

We have been trying for over a year now. Every month I hope anew and every month shark week arrives once again. Twice I have been pregnant but miscarried in the first trimester. And when people say, you just have to relax, I want to rip their heads off! I am soon 43 years old. I don’t have time to relax as time is literally running out!

The other day I checked fertility treatments and since I am not eligible for NHS treatment (too old, already have children), the chances to pay for treatment myself is next zero. I can’t just pull out £5.000,- for IVF… IUI is “only” plus minus £1.000,-.

And wherever I go, whatever I watch, whatever I read in the news, everyone is pregnant. Or so it seems.

So yeah, here I am sitting in my living room, feeling all sorry for myself despite the fact I am not the only one going through things.

Until the next time…

Am I The Asshole???

· Leave a comment ·

So to keep a long story short, I just say it as it is:

My fiancé wanted me to finance him a motorbike, I said “no”!

Which caused a huge argument. One didn’t talk to the other for some hours.

My reason for not wanting to do that was/is quite easy:

I didn’t want us to drown in debt! I still have a big chunk of my credit card to pay back, future husband has to pay things back and I thought we have other priorities anyway like

getting married, having children, moving house, maybe even buying a house once our financial situation has gotten better.

Future husband of course said, I wouldn’t trust him, said at least he knows where he stands with me… well to put it this way:

He acted like a little child who received the answer “no”. He said, if it was the other way around, he wouldn’t have hesitated. The thing is, I wouldn’t even think to put him in such a situation unless he/we would financially well off. Yes, he would be able to pay the monthly rates, but what if something happens, like him getting injured again, things that would prevent him paying? I can’t pay for him even if I wanted to.

To the guys who might read this:

Why is a motorbike so much more important than the things I thought we both wanted??? I thought children and marriage followed by moving house (I still hate it here) was what was important! A motorbike is not a necessity! Like my citizenship which I want so bad. I know I can’t afford it right now (fees are £1400,- +/-) so I have to wait. Easy, right?!

However, eventually I did try to get a loan from my bank. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt pressured to do so. But with my meager wage and that huge credit card bill, of course I was rejected and to be honest, I am glad. I already have tears in my eyes, every time I see my account anyway…

Well guess I can write off the the future plans we had and just keep living trying to make it from one day to the next…

Until next the time

The Missing Bun (ask for password)

· Leave a comment ·

The only time, women are happy to feel sick 24/7 is when they are pregnant!

Almost a year ago I had a very early miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant…

Forward to the year 2021:

A month ago I started to feel queasy all the time and was drinking so much water, I could have drunk it straight from the hose.

My due date for my period came and passed and I was so happy. All the symptoms where there…..

….until the morning I started to heavily bleed…..

And just like that it was over.

It wasn’t the end of the world as I know that is nature sorting things out, that what could have been a baby wasn’t healthy enough to live just yet.

But I was still sad. Sad because I knew what could have been and said because it took us so long to get to this point! Future husband was sad as well, of course he was.

Everyone who has been trying for some time knows where I am coming from.

Every month you hope it happened but no, shark week is on again. SIGH.

And the fact, that according to my age I only have a 5% chance to get pregnant every month, doesn’t help either.

I already consulted the doctors. The next step is the fertility clinic for check ups.

So fingers crossed, legs open and off to another few rounds of lots of fun.

Until the next time