A couple of days ago I woke up.
I felt all cozy and happy and at peace.
I dreamt of my grandma. She visited me in my dreams. I can’t remember what the dream was about.
When I awoke, I wanted to fall back asleep. So bad. But it did not happen.
My grandma passed away a couple of years ago, but I am a great believer when it comes to the dead visiting you (in different ways).
Usually it would be on halloween, or in form of a robin. This time it was in my dream.
I like to believe that we had a nice conversation about everything that has been going on in my life recently.
I am sure every now and again she would have started a sentence with
“Oh well child…”, just like she used to do when she wanted to open my eyes about certain things.
When she was still alive, I would call her whenever I felt bad. Or even when I needed advise for random things. Or just to talk. I would always call her…
Nowadays when I feel sad the first thing that comes to my mind is, to call her. Still after so many years. And then realisation hits. I can’t call her. She is not here anymore. She can’t give me advise and reassure me that everything will work out eventually.
But I am very certain, that in my dream she did just that!
She told me I will find my way and that everything will be just like I imagine it will be. And I am sure, she hugged me and held me tight only the way she could.
I am sure she was happy to hear, that I found someone who takes care of me and who protects me so she doesn’t have to worry.
When I woke up I felt loved and save. She came when I needed her the most.
Thank you, Grandma.
I love you.
Until the next time.
19 years I was with my children. When you have children surround you for such a long time you have your routine, you get used to all the demands and constant whinging and fighting, and arguing with each other turns into white noise. You don’t really register it anymore.
Now it is January 2021. I have been separated from the lot since the end of October 2020. My babies are supposed to join me and my other half in summer for good.
Of course I see them if and when I can on a regular basis and we video phone as well.
But that is not enough! I miss them. I miss not knowing what they are doing. I miss not hearing their voices somewhere in the house. I miss throwing them out of the kitchen for the 1000s time in search of food (they are like caterpillars, I swear!).
Today their teacher phoned me up to check how they get on with online learning. I could not answer that as they are at their dad’s house! Do you know how that makes me feel??? Not good! It feels like I am not involved anymore despite reminding them of homework or telling them that there is educational tv on BBC now…
Physically I am not there. I am not there to talk to them. I can’t hold them and kiss them and hug them and tell them the next day will be better or tell one of them that she doesn’t hate her little brother.
I miss them from the second I wake up until I fall back asleep and if I could remember dreams, I am sure that I miss them even then!
I try my best to not let this affect me too much, but it is tough.
Can’t it be summer next month???
Sitting here all on my own I am reminiscing about the time when my two older ones where still little and me raising them on my own.
We where the perfect trio!
Back then many days seemed so difficult. We where rushing through the days and before we knew it, the year was over.
I can remember a time where we didn’t even have a car and needed to get the shopping done. All three of us grabbed a big rucksack and off we went. In the shop we all swarmed out, each with a task just to regroup a few minutes later.
We where a very good trio. We knew what to do and when. There was no one to interfere.
Then I often felt tired with two little children and a job, at some point even two jobs, but do you know what?
We where happy!
There is no trio anymore as they are grown up and do their own thing. One of them (the stubborn as mommy daughter) still not talking to me, the other too absorbed with his own life…
Oh how nice would it be if one could go back in time, just for a while.