Category: True Love

I Am Grateful…

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…for a lot of things but most of all for the people who walked with me for a while.

I am grateful for past best friends. We walked our separate ways at some point, but we did have a hell lot of fun!

I am grateful for my current best friends, even though they are oceans away and yet so close if we needs be!

I am grateful for the times my oldest daughter and me spend together before she got so angry with me, that she didn’t want me in her life anymore!

I am so so grateful for all the wise words, hugs and eternal love my grandma had for me, there isn’t a day I don’t think of her!

I am grateful for future husband as every time he hugs me it’s a reminder that he is home.

I am grateful for my children, they taught me to love.

And I am grateful for the ability to not take life too serious.

Until the next time…

Till Death Do Us Part?

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Today I watched the latest episode of “And Just Like That” and Carry said something like “…technically I am not married anymore…my husband died…”

I was thinking about future husband. If he died before me, I would still believe and see myself as married to him. Which reminds me of something a client said to me a few days ago:

She said “…my husband died 18 years ago and there isn’t a day where I don’t think about him and I miss him every day…” She said “my husband” even though he died such a long time ago, she still sees herself as his wife. Not even death could part them.

Which is so bitter sweet. That is what I want for myself and this is what I would wish for everyone else on this planet.

Until the next time…

My Letter To You…

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…

These are my words and thoughts to my oldest daughter who refuses to forgive me.

In her world, I must be the biggest monster walking this earth!

I believe she is hurting so much, that she tries to shut down her feelings to survive in this world.

I once belonged to her world… until I didn’t.

As a parent I should have taken my daughter’s concerns and anger and sadness serious but instead I brushed it off as teenage drama. I should have known better.

I apologised a million times…

And I meant it!

What my daughter doesn’t know is, that we are the exact same!

We are stubborn and we know what we want from life and we don’t lower our expectations ever. We would never settle for second best and we know how to survive in this world.

And to survive sometimes means to lock our feelings away so that nothing can touch us so we can’t fall apart!

Life is tough and seems unfair but there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

I know she will survive and I know I will survive.

I loved her from the first moment she took her first breath and will continue loving her until my last one…

And when she decides to forgive me, I will be there to catch her!

She Visited Me- In my Dreams

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A couple of days ago I woke up.

I felt all cozy and happy and at peace.

I dreamt of my grandma. She visited me in my dreams. I can’t remember what the dream was about.

When I awoke, I wanted to fall back asleep. So bad. But it did not happen.

My grandma passed away a couple of years ago, but I am a great believer when it comes to the dead visiting you (in different ways).

Usually it would be on halloween, or in form of a robin. This time it was in my dream.

I like to believe that we had a nice conversation about everything that has been going on in my life recently.

I am sure every now and again she would have started a sentence with

“Oh well child…”, just like she used to do when she wanted to open my eyes about certain things.

When she was still alive, I would call her whenever I felt bad. Or even when I needed advise for random things. Or just to talk. I would always call her…

Nowadays when I feel sad the first thing that comes to my mind is, to call her. Still after so many years. And then realisation hits. I can’t call her. She is not here anymore. She can’t give me advise and reassure me that everything will work out eventually.

But I am very certain, that in my dream she did just that!

She told me I will find my way and that everything will be just like I imagine it will be. And I am sure, she hugged me and held me tight only the way she could.

I am sure she was happy to hear, that I found someone who takes care of me and who protects me so she doesn’t have to worry.

When I woke up I felt loved and save. She came when I needed her the most.

Thank you, Grandma.

I love you.

Always!

Until the next time.

Franky

When Your Heart Dies A Little Bit

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19 years I was with my children. When you have children surround you for such a long time you have your routine, you get used to all the demands and constant whinging and fighting, and arguing with each other turns into white noise. You don’t really register it anymore.

Now it is January 2021. I have been separated from the lot since the end of October 2020. My babies are supposed to join me and my other half in summer for good.

Of course I see them if and when I can on a regular basis and we video phone as well.

But that is not enough! I miss them. I miss not knowing what they are doing. I miss not hearing their voices somewhere in the house. I miss throwing them out of the kitchen for the 1000s time in search of food (they are like caterpillars, I swear!).

Today their teacher phoned me up to check how they get on with online learning. I could not answer that as they are at their dad’s house! Do you know how that makes me feel??? Not good! It feels like I am not involved anymore despite reminding them of homework or telling them that there is educational tv on BBC now…

Physically I am not there. I am not there to talk to them. I can’t hold them and kiss them and hug them and tell them the next day will be better or tell one of them that she doesn’t hate her little brother.

I miss them from the second I wake up until I fall back asleep and if I could remember dreams, I am sure that I miss them even then!

I try my best to not let this affect me too much, but it is tough.

Can’t it be summer next month???

Franky

When We Where Still A Trio

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Sitting here all on my own I am reminiscing about the time when my two older ones where still little and me raising them on my own.

We where the perfect trio!

Back then many days seemed so difficult. We where rushing through the days and before we knew it, the year was over.

I can remember a time where we didn’t even have a car and needed to get the shopping done. All three of us grabbed a big rucksack and off we went. In the shop we all swarmed out, each with a task just to regroup a few minutes later.

We where a very good trio. We knew what to do and when. There was no one to interfere.

Then I often felt tired with two little children and a job, at some point even two jobs, but do you know what?

We where happy!

There is no trio anymore as they are grown up and do their own thing. One of them (the stubborn as mommy daughter) still not talking to me, the other too absorbed with his own life…

Oh how nice would it be if one could go back in time, just for a while.

Franky