When Your Heart Dies A Little Bit

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19 years I was with my children. When you have children surround you for such a long time you have your routine, you get used to all the demands and constant whinging and fighting, and arguing with each other turns into white noise. You don’t really register it anymore.

Now it is January 2021. I have been separated from the lot since the end of October 2020. My babies are supposed to join me and my other half in summer for good.

Of course I see them if and when I can on a regular basis and we video phone as well.

But that is not enough! I miss them. I miss not knowing what they are doing. I miss not hearing their voices somewhere in the house. I miss throwing them out of the kitchen for the 1000s time in search of food (they are like caterpillars, I swear!).

Today their teacher phoned me up to check how they get on with online learning. I could not answer that as they are at their dad’s house! Do you know how that makes me feel??? Not good! It feels like I am not involved anymore despite reminding them of homework or telling them that there is educational tv on BBC now…

Physically I am not there. I am not there to talk to them. I can’t hold them and kiss them and hug them and tell them the next day will be better or tell one of them that she doesn’t hate her little brother.

I miss them from the second I wake up until I fall back asleep and if I could remember dreams, I am sure that I miss them even then!

I try my best to not let this affect me too much, but it is tough.

Can’t it be summer next month???

Franky

This Lock-Down Is Really Annoying Me

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Last lock-down was great! I was furloughed and paid for being lazy at home! I got to spend valuable time with my children and exercise as much and when I wanted not to mention binge watching Netflix and reading book after book after book.

The last lock-down was March 2020 and I was living in a nice area with mountains and waterfalls…

This lock-down however is very different.

I am a key worker, I have to work. That is fine.

But I live in an area I do not like at all… which makes me really unhappy!

For days I was moaning and complaining that there is everywhere snow but here in my area! Last week I got to enjoy one day running in snow (and falling as as well, that came for free).

Today I wake up to lots of snow! My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. So in my running gear I jumped, grabbed the dog and in the car. But… BUT…(big dramatic sigh) the roads where so bad, I had to be very careful. To make matters worse, I couldn’t even park where I wanted to go running (no bitching, please, I stayed local). The snow was too high for my little cute Mini Countryman, so we returned home.

And that is the thing:

I hate that I have to drive (even if it is for only 5 minutes) to hit some nice trails.

And the babies?! They are at their dad’s house of course, enjoying snow in their garden, without me.

No, this time I certainly don’t enjoy the lock-down.

Franky

When We Where Still A Trio

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Sitting here all on my own I am reminiscing about the time when my two older ones where still little and me raising them on my own.

We where the perfect trio!

Back then many days seemed so difficult. We where rushing through the days and before we knew it, the year was over.

I can remember a time where we didn’t even have a car and needed to get the shopping done. All three of us grabbed a big rucksack and off we went. In the shop we all swarmed out, each with a task just to regroup a few minutes later.

We where a very good trio. We knew what to do and when. There was no one to interfere.

Then I often felt tired with two little children and a job, at some point even two jobs, but do you know what?

We where happy!

There is no trio anymore as they are grown up and do their own thing. One of them (the stubborn as mommy daughter) still not talking to me, the other too absorbed with his own life…

Oh how nice would it be if one could go back in time, just for a while.

Franky

A New Year, A New Start, A New Site

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With a laughing eye and a crying eye I deleted all my former posts with all contents. They all moved to the trash/bin folder.

I wasn’t sure if I should really do it as I put so much effort thought into the things I posted, especially my poems and of course I love to see comments. Oh the comments. They are appreciated and they tell me, that I am not alone in this, whatever “this” is.

But with starting something old as new I will give you, my beloved readers, more gossip, more laughs (hopefully) and more drama!

The last year hasn’t been the best for several reasons but brought me love I never knew before.

And like many women who are in need of a new start, I felt that I needed to do this.

Usually it would be a drastic new haircut, but hey…. newsflash, we are in national lock-down- again! Everything is closed!

This is how far I came from September 2020:

  • Moved house and in with my lovely man
  • I found a new job which I can’t really enjoy as it pays next to nothing
  • I separated all types of accounts from my past and even tried to remember with my Dory-Brain to change my postal address for I don’t know how many websites (still haven’t figured out why my Paypal account is not directly linked to eBay anymore)

As you might have noticed, I have given my blog a new name and a slightly new layout/colours. The only thing I was not able to change was my domain name/address/url address. I followed so many suggestions from google and from WordPress itself like, go into settings/general… change your url… only…… it does not give me the option. When I tried it in other ways it wanted to charge me £15 per year. I am very certain, that I am having a blond moment here… but I just can’t make any sense nor figure it out.

And that is how I feel when it comes to the not figuring it out bit:

Yep, Me!

Let’s just hope this year will be better than the last!

Franky