Category: Mood

Fertility Treatment Or Adoption???

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So future husband and me are talking fertility treatment in Prague as it is much cheaper here in UK. So good so far.

There are different methods of course, one of them to use donor sperm/eggs. Of course you would not meet with the donor and you don’t get to know what they look like, except the colour of the hair, eyes, height. A description of the donor so to speak.

BUT:

Future husband says, he doesn’t want a donor. If he can’t have own children, he want to adopt. But an adopted child wouldn’t be his biological child either!

So I might have to come to terms with not having another child grow inside of me which is sad really as I, well we, where looking forward to it.

The other question would be, would an agency agree to give us/match us with a child? I say child, as it is very unlikely we get a newborn as waiting lists are endless and surely newborns would go to childless couples first, right?

Well as you can see from my previous posts, there is always some drama in my life, but I hope I am able to entertain you better in the near future.

Until next time…

Iron Deficiency

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I am sitting here on my sofa on my day off and all I want to do is curl up like a shrimp and sleep the day away.

There is nothing but fatigue. I don’t even exercise and I feel frozen like a lollipop!

My iron levels must be extremely low.

A few months back, my doctor discovered that my levels are down and prescribed me tablets, but I thought with a healthy diet I would get back on track and so I dismissed the tablets.

Wrong!

I didn’t. Because of a lot of things that impacted me in a negative way, all I wanted was comfort food and we all know, that comfort food is very often not the healthiest choice.

So here I am, feeling sorry for myself once more.

But it isn’t all bad. My supplement arrived today and Mr. Google said, that I should see results within two weeks.

So prayers to the Gods and fingers crossed as I can’t go on like this. I constantly feel like someone kicked me in the head and if I could, I would be in bed by 7pm.

And I really need to get better as my job and where I live is quite depressing, so I need to be able to exercise, train for races and get me ass off the sofa! Anything really to develop a better mindset!

Until the next time…

Fertility, Fertility, Where Are You?!?

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Yesterday I received a phone call from one of the doctors at my local surgery. Both me and future husband where tested in regards to fertility and guess what?

A next to zero chance to get pregnant naturally! That was blow number 1!

She then continues to explain that we do not fulfil the criteria for NHS fertility funding and if we want to start fertility treatment (IVF), we would have to fund it ourselves! That was blow number two!

After that she says in a very negative and dismissive tone, that even if we try, there is only a 5% success rate of pregnancy! Blow number3!

We don’t fulfil the criteria because we are over 40 and I already have children. So I wonder, where is the equality here?! Yes, I have children, but future husband doesn’t! Shouldn’t that count as well??? Or would that mean, he would have to move on to a younger childless lady to “fulfil the criteria” in order to become a first time dad?

I am angry, and I am disappointed. Not because it doesn’t happen naturally (well ok, a bit), but because the doctor was so negative and unhelpful. Of course she asked, if I have any further questions, but she didn’t point anything else out to me and only gave me vague answered to my questions for further checks.

Fertility treatment here in UK cost a lot! Who can afford that??? Go fund me pages are full with couples wanting treatment…

This is one thing to add to my “why I am unhappy list”.

Until the next time…

Un-Pregnant Effing Valentine’s Day!!!

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Today is Valentine’s Day. Did I enjoy it so far? Not really!

So far I left early to get the food shopping done before work, went to work, fortunately finished by just after 11am, went home, tidied up, did 3 rounds of washing, exercised, fixed holes on clothes and dog bed, picked up children from school, made tea…and the day is not over, yet.

Future husband (that’s if he still wants me) got me some lovely cashmere tops and a card, I in return got him a hoodie and no card as cards are not my thing. He is still out working (new job). I am still stuck with my job as a carer and am job hunting without success.

I still live in a house which I refer to as the “ice house” as it is really cold without radiators on, in an area I hate.

I wouldn’t mind all the above, if I was pregnant. That is the only thing I really desire!

We have been trying for over a year now. Every month I hope anew and every month shark week arrives once again. Twice I have been pregnant but miscarried in the first trimester. And when people say, you just have to relax, I want to rip their heads off! I am soon 43 years old. I don’t have time to relax as time is literally running out!

The other day I checked fertility treatments and since I am not eligible for NHS treatment (too old, already have children), the chances to pay for treatment myself is next zero. I can’t just pull out £5.000,- for IVF… IUI is “only” plus minus £1.000,-.

And wherever I go, whatever I watch, whatever I read in the news, everyone is pregnant. Or so it seems.

So yeah, here I am sitting in my living room, feeling all sorry for myself despite the fact I am not the only one going through things.

Until the next time…

Never-ending Story Of Punishment

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So I recently had another round of my daughter and me arguing. Well, she argued with me. She is like a broken record. She keeps repeating herself, keeps bringing up all the things that hurt her in the past, keeps bringing up how I did not take her serious back then and so on and on and on.

She did say some very hurtful and disrespectful things…maybe that is her thinking “payback”?! Maybe it is her just lashing out. I couldn’t tell you.

The first few times I felt really bad and cried my eyes out. I apologised so many times, tried to make her understand that it was never my intention to hurt her. I tried to find out what I could do to make it better. I asked her what she wants me to do.

But I did not get anywhere, except from one thing:

I have enough! I apologised and I meant it and I will not have her walk over me over and over again. If she wants to be angry, than by all means. I will just let her be and if she is ready (one day), she knows how to find me.

And while I was at it and decided to not contact her any further, I also de-friended lots of my family members. I know, I know that sounds so childish and maybe it is. But I don’t want people on my social media to snoop around if I don’t have any contact with them so I did what many would have done.

Cut them out of my life

Until the next time…

I Am Grateful…

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…for a lot of things but most of all for the people who walked with me for a while.

I am grateful for past best friends. We walked our separate ways at some point, but we did have a hell lot of fun!

I am grateful for my current best friends, even though they are oceans away and yet so close if we needs be!

I am grateful for the times my oldest daughter and me spend together before she got so angry with me, that she didn’t want me in her life anymore!

I am so so grateful for all the wise words, hugs and eternal love my grandma had for me, there isn’t a day I don’t think of her!

I am grateful for future husband as every time he hugs me it’s a reminder that he is home.

I am grateful for my children, they taught me to love.

And I am grateful for the ability to not take life too serious.

Until the next time…

Till Death Do Us Part?

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Today I watched the latest episode of “And Just Like That” and Carry said something like “…technically I am not married anymore…my husband died…”

I was thinking about future husband. If he died before me, I would still believe and see myself as married to him. Which reminds me of something a client said to me a few days ago:

She said “…my husband died 18 years ago and there isn’t a day where I don’t think about him and I miss him every day…” She said “my husband” even though he died such a long time ago, she still sees herself as his wife. Not even death could part them.

Which is so bitter sweet. That is what I want for myself and this is what I would wish for everyone else on this planet.

Until the next time…

Serious Face Cleanser Problem

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Do you think 13 (yes, I know there are 15 on the above pic, but two ended in the bin) face cleansers are too many?

I start to believe it is, someone should confiscate my bankcard, credit card and change my PayPal password!

It’s not even my fault. It’s the Korean online shops and their never ending offers fault!!! Yep.

BUT, I do love a good face cleanser and as you can see, I have a bit of an obsession.

So let me give you some insight and review for the ones I used so far.

My skin is sensitive and combination… so let’s start from top left to bottom right.

  1. 1. Zero cleansing balm, pure and original: They are both great. Gentle to skin, slight smell, leaves skin clean and not tight. Love it!
  2. 2. The Face Shop foaming rice cleanser: Smells lovely, cleans skin, but very harsh for sensitive skin, stings after a few seconds. Don’t love it!
  3. 3. Tosowoong enzyme powder: No smell, cleans skin squeaky clean, no tight feeling. Love it!
  4. 4. Kose cleansing oil: No smell, cleans everything off your skin, very gentle. Love it!
  5. 5. Neogen pore tightening mouse: Have not tried it, yet. Bought it because of the good reviews.
  6. 6. Isntree hyaluronic cleanser: Made me break out after only one use. Hate it! Went into the bin.
  7. 7. Glamfox Rosehip Oil cleanser: Very harsh, stung after a few seconds, left skin tight. Hate it! Went into the bin.
  8. 8. Klairs cleansing foam: Weird smell, something between citrus and chemical, but gentle to skin and cleans well. Like it!
  9. 9. Jolse Matcha cleansing foam: No smell, cleans well, skin not tight, but doesn’t do much else. Meh!
  10. 10. Whamisa foaming cleanser: Extreme smell of lavender, cleans well, but skin a bit tight. Wouldn’t buy it again! Meh!

The last 4 are HadaLabo oil cleanser, papaya enzyme cleanser, another oil and foam cleanser I haven’t tried yet.

There are so many products on the Korean market, you just have to try (most) of them to find your holy grail and even if and when you do, there will be another new one you can’t resist to buy!

Until the next time…

When Work Is An A-Hole!!!

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Some of you might know that I am working in care. When I first started, I really enjoyed it. Now? Not so much!

Why? Oh I can tell you why:

Every few months employees get check-up phone calls from our office. They give us feedback and ask in return our point of view.

So I stated very clearly, that I don’t want to get sent to clients I can’t understand as this is really stressing me out and surely frustrating for clients as well.

So guess what??? I got sent to clients which are speech impaired.

They also admitted in a text message, that when I help them, they help me! How can they so freely admit, that they only help, if they want to?!

Last week I had to change my availability which means, I can’t work evenings anymore and have to finish at 4pm latest. I know when you work in care, one has to be flexible… But I have children in primary which I can’t leave alone.

However when I send my email, they did not even reply, instead drastically shortened my hours for the following week!

That is another thing:

When they are annoyed with you, they don’t answer your emails, instead they put whatever annoys them in our weekly newsletter (without shaming the actual person though)!

Then I got told, that one client has cancelled (that’s fine) and that I get send to client XY without even asking if that is ok (not fine) and when I ask, if they could check if they could forward the visit as between clients was a unpaid 1 1/2 hour gap, the short answer from whoever it was, was “Nope, sorry”. They could have forwarded it, as the client didn’t even expect me. The client thought, the visit was cancelled!

For everyone who considers a career in care, do your research! Carers are underpaid, gaps are also not paid unless you work directly for the council, you only get a low percentage of fuel back and you mostly work alone. I personally think, it is not worth it. If you just want some pocket money, perfect job. If you have to pay bills, run in the opposite direction!

I wished we would live in a world where childcare is free, bosses are understanding, working hours flexible and wages enough to make it through the month!

One can still dream, right???

So I am still on the look out for a new job, but Covid is also a a-hole, so not so easy at the moment.

Until the next time…

My Letter To You…

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…

These are my words and thoughts to my oldest daughter who refuses to forgive me.

In her world, I must be the biggest monster walking this earth!

I believe she is hurting so much, that she tries to shut down her feelings to survive in this world.

I once belonged to her world… until I didn’t.

As a parent I should have taken my daughter’s concerns and anger and sadness serious but instead I brushed it off as teenage drama. I should have known better.

I apologised a million times…

And I meant it!

What my daughter doesn’t know is, that we are the exact same!

We are stubborn and we know what we want from life and we don’t lower our expectations ever. We would never settle for second best and we know how to survive in this world.

And to survive sometimes means to lock our feelings away so that nothing can touch us so we can’t fall apart!

Life is tough and seems unfair but there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

I know she will survive and I know I will survive.

I loved her from the first moment she took her first breath and will continue loving her until my last one…

And when she decides to forgive me, I will be there to catch her!