Category: Mood

Never-ending Story Of Punishment

So I recently had another round of my daughter and me arguing. Well, she argued with me. She is like a broken record. She keeps repeating herself, keeps bringing up all the things that hurt her in the past, keeps bringing up how I did not take her serious back then and so on and on and on.

She did say some very hurtful and disrespectful things…maybe that is her thinking “payback”?! Maybe it is her just lashing out. I couldn’t tell you.

The first few times I felt really bad and cried my eyes out. I apologised so many times, tried to make her understand that it was never my intention to hurt her. I tried to find out what I could do to make it better. I asked her what she wants me to do.

But I did not get anywhere, except from one thing:

I have enough! I apologised and I meant it and I will not have her walk over me over and over again. If she wants to be angry, than by all means. I will just let her be and if she is ready (one day), she knows how to find me.

And while I was at it and decided to not contact her any further, I also de-friended lots of my family members. I know, I know that sounds so childish and maybe it is. But I don’t want people on my social media to snoop around if I don’t have any contact with them so I did what many would have done.

I Am Grateful…

…for a lot of things but most of all for the people who walked with me for a while.

I am grateful for past best friends. We walked our separate ways at some point, but we did have a hell lot of fun!

I am grateful for my current best friends, even though they are oceans away and yet so close if we needs be!

I am grateful for the times my oldest daughter and me spend together before she got so angry with me, that she didn’t want me in her life anymore!

I am so so grateful for all the wise words, hugs and eternal love my grandma had for me, there isn’t a day I don’t think of her!

I am grateful for future husband as every time he hugs me it’s a reminder that he is home.

I am grateful for my children, they taught me to love.

And I am grateful for the ability to not take life too serious.

Until the next time…

Till Death Do Us Part?

Today I watched the latest episode of “And Just Like That” and Carry said something like “…technically I am not married anymore…my husband died…”

I was thinking about future husband. If he died before me, I would still believe and see myself as married to him. Which reminds me of something a client said to me a few days ago:

She said “…my husband died 18 years ago and there isn’t a day where I don’t think about him and I miss him every day…” She said “my husband” even though he died such a long time ago, she still sees herself as his wife. Not even death could part them.

Which is so bitter sweet. That is what I want for myself and this is what I would wish for everyone else on this planet.

Until the next time…

Serious Face Cleanser Problem

Do you think 13 (yes, I know there are 15 on the above pic, but two ended in the bin) face cleansers are too many?

I start to believe it is, someone should confiscate my bankcard, credit card and change my PayPal password!

It’s not even my fault. It’s the Korean online shops and their never ending offers fault!!! Yep.

BUT, I do love a good face cleanser and as you can see, I have a bit of an obsession.

So let me give you some insight and review for the ones I used so far.

My skin is sensitive and combination… so let’s start from top left to bottom right.

  1. 1. Zero cleansing balm, pure and original: They are both great. Gentle to skin, slight smell, leaves skin clean and not tight. Love it!
  2. 2. The Face Shop foaming rice cleanser: Smells lovely, cleans skin, but very harsh for sensitive skin, stings after a few seconds. Don’t love it!
  3. 3. Tosowoong enzyme powder: No smell, cleans skin squeaky clean, no tight feeling. Love it!
  4. 4. Kose cleansing oil: No smell, cleans everything off your skin, very gentle. Love it!
  5. 5. Neogen pore tightening mouse: Have not tried it, yet. Bought it because of the good reviews.
  6. 6. Isntree hyaluronic cleanser: Made me break out after only one use. Hate it! Went into the bin.
  7. 7. Glamfox Rosehip Oil cleanser: Very harsh, stung after a few seconds, left skin tight. Hate it! Went into the bin.
  8. 8. Klairs cleansing foam: Weird smell, something between citrus and chemical, but gentle to skin and cleans well. Like it!
  9. 9. Jolse Matcha cleansing foam: No smell, cleans well, skin not tight, but doesn’t do much else. Meh!
  10. 10. Whamisa foaming cleanser: Extreme smell of lavender, cleans well, but skin a bit tight. Wouldn’t buy it again! Meh!

The last 4 are HadaLabo oil cleanser, papaya enzyme cleanser, another oil and foam cleanser I haven’t tried yet.

There are so many products on the Korean market, you just have to try (most) of them to find your holy grail and even if and when you do, there will be another new one you can’t resist to buy!

Until the next time…

When Work Is An A-Hole!!!

Some of you might know that I am working in care. When I first started, I really enjoyed it. Now? Not so much!

Why? Oh I can tell you why:

Every few months employees get check-up phone calls from our office. They give us feedback and ask in return our point of view.

So I stated very clearly, that I don’t want to get sent to clients I can’t understand as this is really stressing me out and surely frustrating for clients as well.

So guess what??? I got sent to clients which are speech impaired.

They also admitted in a text message, that when I help them, they help me! How can they so freely admit, that they only help, if they want to?!

Last week I had to change my availability which means, I can’t work evenings anymore and have to finish at 4pm latest. I know when you work in care, one has to be flexible… But I have children in primary which I can’t leave alone.

However when I send my email, they did not even reply, instead drastically shortened my hours for the following week!

That is another thing:

When they are annoyed with you, they don’t answer your emails, instead they put whatever annoys them in our weekly newsletter (without shaming the actual person though)!

Then I got told, that one client has cancelled (that’s fine) and that I get send to client XY without even asking if that is ok (not fine) and when I ask, if they could check if they could forward the visit as between clients was a unpaid 1 1/2 hour gap, the short answer from whoever it was, was “Nope, sorry”. They could have forwarded it, as the client didn’t even expect me. The client thought, the visit was cancelled!

For everyone who considers a career in care, do your research! Carers are underpaid, gaps are also not paid unless you work directly for the council, you only get a low percentage of fuel back and you mostly work alone. I personally think, it is not worth it. If you just want some pocket money, perfect job. If you have to pay bills, run in the opposite direction!

I wished we would live in a world where childcare is free, bosses are understanding, working hours flexible and wages enough to make it through the month!

One can still dream, right???

So I am still on the look out for a new job, but Covid is also a a-hole, so not so easy at the moment.

Until the next time…

My Letter To You…

These are my words and thoughts to my oldest daughter who refuses to forgive me.

In her world, I must be the biggest monster walking this earth!

I believe she is hurting so much, that she tries to shut down her feelings to survive in this world.

I once belonged to her world… until I didn’t.

As a parent I should have taken my daughter’s concerns and anger and sadness serious but instead I brushed it off as teenage drama. I should have known better.

I apologised a million times…

And I meant it!

What my daughter doesn’t know is, that we are the exact same!

We are stubborn and we know what we want from life and we don’t lower our expectations ever. We would never settle for second best and we know how to survive in this world.

And to survive sometimes means to lock our feelings away so that nothing can touch us so we can’t fall apart!

Life is tough and seems unfair but there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

I know she will survive and I know I will survive.

I loved her from the first moment she took her first breath and will continue loving her until my last one…

And when she decides to forgive me, I will be there to catch her!

PayPal Button

I most recently discovered the payment button you can ad to your WordPress blog.

Read and done. Only thing is, how does it work, I wonder? Usually when you send/donate money one would need the PayPal address/email address of the recipient, but when I added the PayPal button, nothing was asked of me.

So just incase it does work and someone wants to send me money for no reason but because one can, it would be highly appreciated!

After all a girl’s Wishlist is endless!

Like:

  • Citizenship
  • Possibly fertility treatment (still no bun, probably just PMS at the moment)
  • Buying a house (yes, I think big here)
  • Lots of things that are not important like the latest Brora fashion (this girl just can’t say “no” to cashmere) or the latest Korean skincare….

And if you can’t/won’t, that’s fine, too. I appreciate you reading my blog!

Until the next time…

Am I The Asshole???

So to keep a long story short, I just say it as it is:

My fiancé wanted me to finance him a motorbike, I said “no”!

Which caused a huge argument. One didn’t talk to the other for some hours.

My reason for not wanting to do that was/is quite easy:

I didn’t want us to drown in debt! I still have a big chunk of my credit card to pay back, future husband has to pay things back and I thought we have other priorities anyway like

getting married, having children, moving house, maybe even buying a house once our financial situation has gotten better.

Future husband of course said, I wouldn’t trust him, said at least he knows where he stands with me… well to put it this way:

He acted like a little child who received the answer “no”. He said, if it was the other way around, he wouldn’t have hesitated. The thing is, I wouldn’t even think to put him in such a situation unless he/we would financially well off. Yes, he would be able to pay the monthly rates, but what if something happens, like him getting injured again, things that would prevent him paying? I can’t pay for him even if I wanted to.

To the guys who might read this:

Why is a motorbike so much more important than the things I thought we both wanted??? I thought children and marriage followed by moving house (I still hate it here) was what was important! A motorbike is not a necessity! Like my citizenship which I want so bad. I know I can’t afford it right now (fees are £1400,- +/-) so I have to wait. Easy, right?!

However, eventually I did try to get a loan from my bank. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt pressured to do so. But with my meager wage and that huge credit card bill, of course I was rejected and to be honest, I am glad. I already have tears in my eyes, every time I see my account anyway…

Well guess I can write off the the future plans we had and just keep living trying to make it from one day to the next…

Until next the time

Me, The Green-Eyed Monster (ask for password)

In more than one situation I found myself as the green-eyed monster. I find that awful but can’t help it.

Every now and again, future husband jokes about things. Things I can’t find funny at all and every time I have to swallow my jealousy! But deep inside I am as green as a cucumber.

For example we where talking about situations when a man/woman ogles someone else in their partners present. And instead of either ignoring my comment or saying that , yes, that is not appropriate, he laughed and said:

“Don’t worry darling, I only do that when you are not there”.

Or little things that annoy me like when the radio is on and there is a female singer and he says:

“Ooooh I like a little bit of XY”.

I know it is silly but at those moments I feel very little, inadequate and not good enough! And I want to knock other women teeth out when they smile a bit too much at my men. Oooh that would really satisfy in those moments. But of course it would take a lot more to loose my shit.

It might just be him making fun or it could be that I am really not enough for him.

I should know, I am the Queen of Flirting!

I did it my whole life but put a stop to it now, because it caused me nothing but trouble in the past.

Now it feels like karma finally bites me in the ass and I don’t like it one bit.

Keep breathing, keep breathing…

Until the next time

Another House, Another Ghost (ask for password)

Two days ago, future husband was in the bathroom and heard a sound coming from our bedroom. A sound you would make when you are dreaming. Or maybe when you have a nightmare. He came in to check on me, but I didn’t say nor did I hear anything as I was half asleep.

Yesterday evening, again, I was half asleep, I woke up, thinking future husband is having a nightmare, so I said “…wake up…”. He looked at me with wide eyes, saying, it wasn’t him. Well it wasn’t me either. But we both heard it! And we both have been awake for quite some time after that, I can tell you!

The idea, that there is a ghost in the house who actually tries to communicate with us (whether it is meant to be nice or not), is a bit scary.

Sure, I had ghosts in houses before, like the little kid ghost who used to run back and forth upstairs, making us think it was my little son, but never anything so close and scary sounding.

I guess, there is not much we can do about it, but I will keep you posted.

Until the next time…