When Your Heart Dies A Little Bit

19 years I was with my children. When you have children surround you for such a long time you have your routine, you get used to all the demands and constant whinging and fighting, and arguing with each other turns into white noise. You don’t really register it anymore.

Now it is January 2021. I have been separated from the lot since the end of October 2020. My babies are supposed to join me and my other half in summer for good.

Of course I see them if and when I can on a regular basis and we video phone as well.

But that is not enough! I miss them. I miss not knowing what they are doing. I miss not hearing their voices somewhere in the house. I miss throwing them out of the kitchen for the 1000s time in search of food (they are like caterpillars, I swear!).

Today their teacher phoned me up to check how they get on with online learning. I could not answer that as they are at their dad’s house! Do you know how that makes me feel??? Not good! It feels like I am not involved anymore despite reminding them of homework or telling them that there is educational tv on BBC now…

Physically I am not there. I am not there to talk to them. I can’t hold them and kiss them and hug them and tell them the next day will be better or tell one of them that she doesn’t hate her little brother.

I miss them from the second I wake up until I fall back asleep and if I could remember dreams, I am sure that I miss them even then!

I try my best to not let this affect me too much, but it is tough.

Can’t it be summer next month???

Franky

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